Hey all

I just got divorced yesterday.. i should be happy because i was in a bad marriage but why do i feel so sad all of a sudden? can someone helpe me with any advice on this?

— On Thu, 3/18/10, Glenn wrote:

From: Glenn
Subject: [Divorce-Rcvy] Re: When will this stop?
To: Divorce_Recovery@yahoogroups.com
Date: Thursday, March 18, 2010, 2:08 PM

Samona,

Tough situation. On principle, I don’t suggest using visitation as punishment or a way of “controlling” him because then you are becoming like him and treating him in a way that you would not want to be treated. Yes, you have full custody BUT they are also his children. If you’ve been allowing extra visitation, you really need to have a good reason to change it or he could take you to court. (A friend of mine’s ex tried that stunt after FIVE years of precedent because she got made at him. The kids were VERY UPSET and he was ready to go back to court. He probably would have won a different custody arrangement because of that stunt and the pattern of visitation and what was in the best interest of the emotional stability of the children.)

Samona, why do you listen to him? Why do you have to talk to him when the kids come back? If the kids are old enough, why not let them enter on their own? If not, open the door to acknowledge their arrival and duck back in the house. No matter what, do not get into a shouting match or discussion in front of the kids.

If you need to address him for his behavior, do it in a polite and direct matter in private, probably email is best in your situation. If he does it again, address him in front of the child in a simple, UNEMOTIONAL way, “(name), I will not listen to you talk in that manner to me. If you’d like to discuss a parenting issue, please put it in writing in a respectful manner, email it to me and when we dialogue about it in a polite manner, we will discuss it.” END OF STORY. YOU’RE DONE, no need to listen or discuss anything else.

Do that also allows you to model and value boundaries to your children. Also, if you remain in control and polite, the STBX will hang himself in their eyes. You be responsible for YOURSELF and don’t get intwined in his games and issues. Take the high road. Things will continue as long as he knows he can manipulate/control you and push your buttons. My ex used to do some stupid stuff. I had to handle it as I just modeled for you. It took awhile but after ending phone conversations, reminding her of the boundaries I’d put in place and how I’d handle the situations when they occurred, they began to lessen, especially as time passed after the divorce.

It really got bad for about the first five months after the divorce was final (we were in the same house and were “fine” until the divorce was final; I think reality hit for her and I wasn’t going to do all the things I would’ve done if we were married.) I did write a boundaries/end of the relationship letter so I could always refer back to it if she violated my boundaries and what the consequences were. It also came a point that I had to remail the letter after one situation with the things she’d done highlighted and how I’d respond. Eventually, I also had to involve the kids (informing them of the boundaries as I’d promised her) because of the consequence AND REPEATED violations. However, I had also used them in dealing with other people including my sons. One time I was able to say, “Son, remember how I will not listen to you talk to me in a certain manner, that goes for everyone else too (since he was aware of the situation that had just occurred
with his mother and myself that he’d just been privy to me, ending a conversation and not answering her MULTIPLY callbacks. Once I end a conversation with my ex due to her lack of respect/politeness, I will not have another conversation with her until the next day.).

Samona, IF he is a threat, document it, tape it, make sure a friend is at the house when the time comes OR do it in a public place, get a protection order if the threat is credible.

G

— In Divorce_Recovery@ yahoogroups. com, Samona Mccaskill wrote:
>
> My stbx has recently been calling me names and putting me down in front of the kids when he comes to pick them up. He throws in my face that he has a new girlfriend and tells me how stupid I am and I am such a fool yet he wants to return home. It became too much so I asked that he not pick kids up on Tuesday and that I would just see him on his next scheduled day which is Sunday. I have full custody of the kids. After this last incident. This just angers me so much. He has called and texted about 30 times yesterday leaving message stating that if I don’t let him see the kids he will beat the hell out of me if he can’t see his kids. Don’t understand.. . He walked away from us when I was pregnant. Now, that things aren’t going well with him and his ex wife… He wants to be around kids… What do I do? Do I continue letting him see the kids? Because he directed this to me is it only about me? Just want all of this to stop. Can’t keep continuing on like
> this… Makes me feel as if the rest of my life will be tied to this guy and things won’t change. I know with God it will. Just caught up in the moment… That’s all.
> Samona
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